|Oregon Magazine||Kick the habit at Serenity Lane|
|Feng-Shui Mentally Unsound
by Michael O'brien, Tillamook Headlight-Herald Staff
(OMED: What happens when a shanty Irishman meets the architectural neo-sage of the East? Read on and discover that what Vikings themselves created, no mere Asian philosophy can put asunder. That is Mr. O'Brien in the photo, though it was taken during his days in Hollywood. At present, he resembles a stone gargoyle used on the parapets of old hotels to ward off evil spirits.)
In recent times, it's been much ado about Feng Shui this and Feng Shui that. For a sportswriter from the Oscar Madison school of Harmonious Pile Building, I've turned a somewhat hopeless and deaf ear to the sensation of minimalism. I've got too much stuff.
A recent journey to the lovely
Gardens in Portland, a glowing example of Feng Shui, which includes
a gift shop selling the little red book (probably little so it can be hidden
in a drawer - keeping the environment empty) which explains the phenomena,
was an interesting and peaceful stroll, but after sitting in the harmonious
"gathering room," the Chinese minimalist equal of our living rooms, I realized
how culturally devoid I was.
No tables, no lamps, no TV, no stereo, no newspapers, no pictures on the wall, no plants, no dog toys in a basket, no pile of laundry waiting to be sorted, no wood stove (actually, no heat of any sort was evident). Two cement floor benches and a rug. Not wishing to be untoward, this room would be better named "pre-divorce room," imagining the oppressive time one would pass in it, staring at one's mate across the room on a concrete bench. Somewhat of a dreary existence in these times one would think. But again, an Ethiciun Feng Shui master would probably label me as either "Exhibit A," or "Little Satan."
Speaking of Ethiciun Feng
Shui masters, according to an e-mail I received from Ethicius 1, there
is only one qualified master. He is available for consultation and all
your fees (which are considerable) are donations to the Wilderness Cathedral
Mission of the Universal Ethiciun Church. Ethicius 1, (a.k.a George
Russell), will visit your place, if it is appraised at over one million
dollars (lesser domiciles need not apply), and for a mere $10,000, (based
on a 10-hour overview, including travel time) read the spirit of your house
and the soul of you, the owner. Thus determining a compatibility factor.
Now, and this doesn't surprise me because of some of the dumps I've inhabited - the architecture of your building may contribute to its own mental health. If your house or outbuilding is despondent, call George. The good master issues a disclaimer with the service, citing that Ethiciun Feng Shui is "all inclusive and not based on formulae written in stone." But George claims to have a pretty good track record of finding disharmony.
Finally, George/Ethicius 1, says, "Obviously, one cannot defend in court an Ethiciun Soul Reading, thus the client must be totally comfortable with the fact Ethicius 1 is absolved from any and all liability associated with a Feng Shui assessment of your property." And, being the harmonious dude that he is, Ethicius 1 will pay a $1,000 referral or finders fee to each person providing a client to his service. Information is available at Info@cyberclone.com., which lends even more credibility to the good master's endeavors.
Having recently asked a friend
about Feng Shui and been told quite brusquely, "You're a pig, forget it,"
I was delighted to find this information sent to our newspaper. The first
step appears to be getting a $1 million dollar home. That sets the table
for doing business with Ethicius 1 (a.k.a George} and launches one on the
road to spiritual and architectural harmony.
The overall Feng Shui brings
to mind piles of shingles, at a not-yet-begun roofing job at a warehouse
Fifty bucks- one time fee. Operators on duty now.
Michael O'Brien is an Oregon Magazine Contributing Editor.
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